St. Louis From Afar - 4th of Jooooly EditionWritten by Tim Powers
• Over 10,000 rolls of toilet paper were stolen from a Metro East charity over night. Police are questioning everyone who has eaten a Slinger in the last 24 hours.
• Parking Meter rates are going up in St. Louis. Everything else remains either free or cheaper than the rest of the United States. Quit yer bitchin', St. Louis.
• To underscore the progressive nature of our city, Fair St. Louis' headliner is BLONDIE, a musical act whose last hit was in 1981. Apparently, Rudy Vallee was not available.
• The FBI is warning about possible terrorist activity for Fair St. Louis. Fortunately, everyone still thinks it's being held at the riverfront, so nobody will be at the Forest Park location for the terrorism.
• UBER is offering free rides this weekend, so the company can make as much money as its drivers.
• In an attempt to mitigate those upset by the recent legalization of gay marriage, Missouri is changing its name to the Don’t-Ask-Don't-Show-Me-State.