Wednesday, 21 November 2012 19:33

Oh, The Weather Outside is...perfect for bodysurfing.

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            Our weather has been taken hostage.

            I saw a man coming out of a café* at the corner of Skinker and Forest Park Pkwy wearing nothing but jogging shorts. And not even the kind of jogging shorts you could call “wearing,” because in order to wear something, there has to be a fair amount of material involved. No, I am not providing pictures.

            I think it’s the end of the world. This is the Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanza/Santa Claus/Happy Snowman Day season, the one time in the entire year we want our weather to match the scene on our Styrofoam Kaldi’s coffee cup. It is unnerving to see people walking around wearing their resurrected flip flops while Soft Rock Fresh 102.5 and 103.3 play loop upon loop of four versions of Santa Baby.

            I am itching to show off my designer ice scraper, but I hear this is actually part of the plan for us to become the next L.A. The movie stars are going to show up soon to teach us how to decorate a palm tree. I am excited for vegetarian versions of eggnog, figgy pudding, liver casserole (oops, wrong country), and ham. Before we know it, Santa will don not his gay apparel (well, maybe he will) but a good amount of 500 SPF sunscreen and a smattering of injected collagen.

            Will we ever get the holiday season back that we know and love? The holiday where the snow/traffic/killer icicles make us late for work/lines long/free to whine and carp about said ice/traffic/killer icicles without feeling like Scrooge, because no one in the world knows what it’s like to have such a horrendous experience?

I’m sure our weather will be back, its ransom paid, and we’ll pull out our new down coats to show off proudly. This will make us happy for probably 2 hours, and we’ll be dissatisfied and avaricious once again. It’s a good thing there are presents on the way.**

*Disclaimer: Autumn is not paid to endorse and promote local establishments.

**Disclaimer: Autumn does not subscribe to any single holiday that promotes gift-giving, nor does she exclude any holiday that does not.