Wednesday, 27 November 2013 14:34

Dear IKEA,

Written by 

Dear IKEA,

If you’re moving to St. Louis, may we join the zillions in welcoming you. However, there are a few things you need to know about our city if you’re going to live here.

First, we’re fine with the Swedish meatballs, but you may have to toast them.  It’s just a thing, okay?

We’re grateful that you chose to locate your first St. Louis store within the city limits.  Midtown is a great area with tons of diversity, so you’ll fit right in.  But you need to know that people who live in the county are funny about coming into the city.  They hate to pay for parking, so make sure your parking is free.  If not, they’ll blame you for the parking tickets.  That’s just a thing, too.

Come up with a believable answer to “Where did you go to high school?”  Don’t question it, just have an answer.  It no longer matters what your answer is; those years are long gone.  You just need to be able to answer the question confidently to be included in any social activities.  The question used to actually serve some social purpose, but now we ask it just to bug outsiders.  In fact, that’s how we know you’re an outsider - by how you react to the question. So just be prepared to snap back with a quick answer and a smile.  Don’t worry if the high school actually exists in St. Louis, that’s no longer the point.

When you build your new store, please don’t do anything that will close down Highway 40.  We’re really tired of Highway 40 being closed down.  It could make a bad first impression if that happens.  You’ve been warned.  Why are you looking at us like that?  Oh.  We said Highway 40.  When we say Highway 40, we mean Interstate 64.  Get used to it, since you’ll be living right next to it.  If you tell someone to come down 64 and get off at Boyle, they’ll get lost.  Say 40 and you’ll be fine.  Even better ... say FARTY.  Yes, it’s a thing.

The people in Kansas City are going to tell you that you’ve jumped the shark by opening a store here.  Ignore them.  Anything that happens in St. Louis really bothers them.  Arch envy.

One last thing: Thank you.  You won’t regret moving here.  It’s a great city and you will make it just a little bit more fun for a reason you probably haven’t considered.  We can now enjoy a 99 cent breakfast and a stroll through your showroom floor without having to drive to Cubs country to do it.  That means a lot to us.