Monday, 31 March 2014 17:14

Things about St. Louis you are NOT supposed to know

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The information that I am about to share in this post will almost certainly lead to my incarceration in some unnamed bottomless pit of a military prison somewhere, but I feel it is my civic and personal duty to share it while I still can. If I suddenly and mysteriously disappear, please try to find me and help me if you can. My safety is no longer relevant, but it is important for me to share this while I still can. I am scared and unsure what will become of me. Please share with anyone who will listen. This affects all of us.

While at the airport last Friday returning from Cleveland, a stern looking man dressed in what I think was a Marine uniform approached me while I was waiting for my luggage. He stood very close to me while I was checking my email and whispered “Do you know the Muffin Man?” I burst out laughing and replied “Oh, yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane.” He quickly and briskly strode off and seemed to be talking into his wrist watch. I thought it was odd but shrugged it off. It took a really long for my bag to appear, not at all unusual for Lambert, so I thought little of it and was soon on my way back to my humble chateau in Maplewood.

Later at home when I was unpacking I found a black 64 GB flash drive mixed in with the soap and shampoo bottles that I had liberated from the Holiday Inn Express where I had been staying at in Cleveland. What I found on the drive was startling and disconcerting, certainly not meant for my attention. Shortly after I skimmed through the documents on the drive my computer froze and now won’t work at all. Since then my phone and iPad have been acting really strangely and there has been a black SUV parked across the street from my house all weekend. I am pretty sure I was followed by that car to work this morning. Here are some of the things I am able to recall. There are many more files that I was unable to read in time before everything went to hell.

1. Budweiser is called the King of Beers for a truly bizarre reason. Since the late 1880’s wealthy members of the Busch family have been keeping the body of Mad King Ludwig II alive in some sort of suspended animation and keep him in a secret lab in a cave below the brewery on Pestalozzi Street. A secret ingredient of their signature beer is in fact stem cells from the former ruler. This gives the beer its distinctive flavor and makes it such a highly addictive beverage. Their domination of the global beer market has been no accident and the purchase by InBev was a mere part of their plans for a total takeover of the planet.

2. The Gateway Arch is actually far more than meets the eye. Since the initial design competition won by Eero Saarinen in 1947, the U.S. government and military contractors like McDonnell Douglas have been heavily involved in it’s construction. It is no small coincidence that this is the same year of the infamous Roswell, New Mexico alien landing incident. The Arch is more than just an arch and is definitely a Gateway. It is in fact a Stargate capable of moving humans and objects from one realm of time and space to another. The legs of the structure continue underground to form an oval that makes a perfect loop. Planes are not allowed to legally fly through the Arch just in case they would trip the sensors and activate the Stargate. I am not sure where it takes you, but from the diagram I saw it is a far better place called Destin, Florida.

3. Monsanto has been putting secret chemicals in the water lines of various municipalities for years. Over the past few decades they have achieved their ultimate goal of fecal modification. An amazing amount of documentation has proven that any trace of odor has been eliminated from the solid waste of people living in the outer suburbs and therefore their sh*t no longer stinks. How bizarre, how bizarre.

4. Urban legends have a basis in truth. I was saddened and horrified to learn the insidious truth about toasted ravioli and the origins of Dogtown. Ever wonder why the Pasta House Company has their headquarters across from the Humane Society? The meat inside of them is actually from ground up dogs and cats that are not adopted. Don't even ask about the Pasta Con Broccoli. Trust me, you don't want to know.

5. The Saint Louis Zoo is actually a terrifying house of horrors. Each visitor’s DNA is covertly collected from each passenger on that little train and stored in a computer bank under Art Hill and linked to the Genome Project at Washington University. In an unmarked building next to the living world is a secret laboratory that creates mutant humanoid animals right out of the island of Dr. Moreau. They are released into the wild each July and can be found wandering the riverfront at Fair St. Louis. The firework displays and copious amount of Budweiser stun them into submission at which time they are collected and quarantined for future study.

6. The long-discussed city-county merger has a new twist. Mayor Slay has been plotting with County Executive Dooley in a master plan to create a new St. Louis. The real reason behind the move of Taste of St. Louis and Bluesweek Music Festival is brilliant one. Once both events are underway a series of detonations will blow up the levees and re-route the Missouri and Mississippi rivers to flood and cut off the area from the rest of the city. With so many people there it is their master plan to stage a coup and declare martial law. Metrolink lines will quickly be built and electrified to establish the new boundaries for the new Kingdom of Slaydooleyous.

7. To augment the grand merger plan, a forty story flood wall will soon be erected along the Mississippi River from Alton to Kimmswick to block the view of our neighboring state of Illinois. The theory is that we are tired of looking at them and they are boring anyway. We have enough problems of our own, so FU Illinois. All of the connecting bridges will be blown up to insure that at long last we remain insulated from the outside world.

So it’s a Tuesday and I am bored and over-caffeinated. Some of these facts may have been slightly exaggerated.


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