Friday, 19 September 2014 13:05


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Artist's rendering of Chesterfield Arch Artist's rendering of Chesterfield Arch

The City of St. Louis has confirmed that the Gateway Arch will move to Chesterfield.

“The choice was easy. That’s where the Taste of St. Louis and the Blues Week Festival are held,” says Mike Kociela, the man who moved the Taste of St. Louis and the Blues Week Festival from downtown St. Louis to Chesterfield.

“It’s a business decision,” added Kociela.  “If we’re going to make this Arch thing work, we need to consider the financial motivation and run it like a profitable business.  You would never expect a business like, say, IKEA to open in the city, would you?  That would be crazy; there would be nowhere to park. So great news!  We’re moving the Arch to Chesterfield!”

According to an unnamed source in Mayor Slay’s office, that was the plan all along.  The Mayor’s failed effort to sell the Arch to Kansas City to raise money to fix up the Edward Jones Dome opened the door for this move, the source revealed.  The only other option was to convert the Arch into a ride at Six Flags and rebrand it with a cartoon superhero theme.  “It would have been cool, but we couldn’t get the passenger car to go fast enough,” explained a spokesperson for the fun park, while spraying our reporter with water.

“Besides, you got all that disruptive construction going on all over the Arch grounds. It’s a mess down there.  Chesterfield is clean and spacious with lots of free parking,” reasoned Kociela.

Once the “free parking” card was played, the initial protest of the move died down, as St. Louisans are famous for their refusal to pay for parking.

“If we can build Busch Stadium IV in Chesterfield, maybe I’ll never have to pay all these parking tickets,” says 80 year old Cardinals fan, Frederick Messenheimer, of South St. Louis.  Now that Busch Stadium III is in its final years after a good 8 year run, Frederick just may live to see that day.