Thursday, 21 April 2016 12:27

My 25 Year Plan for the St. Louis Zoo

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I just checked out the Zoo’s proposed 25 year master plan.  It includes a hotel, a 2,000 foot long gondola and giant pandas.  All very nice, but it falls short of what a zoo should have in the year 2041.  I may be dead by then, but I still care about keeping our St. Louis Zoo on that elite list of world class zoos.  So here is my 25 year plan…

A hotel is a good idea, but what good is a zoo hotel if you can’t actually sleep with the lions?  Each room will have a wall made of steel bars that allows visitors to share a room with a lion while you hear The Tokens playing softly in the background.  Think big, St. Louis.

Giant Pandas?  How about giant tarantulas and giant swans?  By 2041 we should be able to engineer ANY kind of giant creature.  Let’s get more creative.  Pandas are too cute.

I see part of the plan is to create a new entrance to the zoo.  Again? Don’t they do that every year?  How about a giant slide that drops you right into the bear pit and you have, like, ten seconds to get to your feet and head to the turnstile?  Okay, that’s unrealistic for 2041.  Make it 20 seconds.  People are going to be a lot fatter in 2041 if they go with my idea to add all-you-can-eat fries to compete with the McDonalds over at the Art Museum.

Move the parking lots to that practically abandoned St. Louis City Marketplace down on Manchester, past Dog Town.  Put the new Penguin House where the Big K Kmart is.  It might improve the smell of that building.   Then get those Soulard party busses to move visitors in “Petting Busses” to keep the kids happy during the one-mile trip to the zoo.

Remove the Zoo Train and add bumper cars.  You’ll have less collisions.

Those aerial gondolas cruising over 64/40 look really cool, but wouldn't zip lines swishing past the Big Cat Country be a lot more fun?

These are relatively innocent times when kids still enjoy staring at a polar bear 50 yards away.  But have you seen the new Jungle Book movie?  Things are about to change. By 2041 it's going to take more than a monkey show and a wad of cotton candy to impress a 10-year old who can jump into his own self-driven car, leaving his VR helmet at home to visit our zoo of boring real stuff.

You're welcome.

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