Saturday, 01 September 2012 22:14

Kirkwood City Council Revives the National Economy

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On Thursday, August 16 the Kirkwood City Council passed an ordinance severely restricting yard sales in Kirkwood.  Okay, I added the word “severely.”  Kirkwood Mayor Art McDonnell chose to use the word “gentle.”  That’s right. He called it a gentle ordinance.  According to the article I read in the Webster-Kirkwood Times, the fine for disobeying the gentle ordinance is “$5 to $1,000 and jail sentences of up to six months, or both.”  I suppose it’s possible that the jail in Kirkwood is gentle, but this peculiar law intrigued me enough to investigate the motivation behind it.


The ordinance says you can only have two yard sales a year, lasting no longer than two days each, with no more than three signs posted having a maximum size of three feet by two feet, with two signs off the property and one in front.  As far as I know, there are no restrictions on the color of the signs or what they say.  For example, your sign could say “Yard Sale! Buy before Art McDonnell’s Yard Sale Gestapo shuts us down!”  As long as you can say that within the confines of three feet by two feet.

I think it’s no secret to the rest of St. Louis that Kirkwood is a perfect community with no problems, so the City Council has slow works days like August 16, when they need to make up problems such as rampant yard sale abuse.  Actually, Mayor McDonnell explained that there are a few otherwise fine Kirkwoodians (see “The ‘If You Live In’ Game”) who appear to be holding endless yard sales on residential property as if they had a commercial store on their front lawn.  So I trekked to Kirkwood in search of an illegal yard sale and in search of the real motivation behind this new gentle ordinance.  I wasn’t disappointed.

It didn’t take long to find someone blatantly breaking the law in Kirkwood.  They showed no fear when I pointed out that their yard sale signs were over three feet long.  I bought an illegal flashlight for two bucks. (I bought the batteries legally at Walmart down the street.)  The lady wanted three dollars for her contraband merchandise, but I promised to protect her identity if I could get it for two.  And that was when I understood the true, clever intent of the Kirkwood City Council law.

I don’t know if they’re Democrats or Republicans, but the members of the Kirkwood City Council absolutely get it.  They understand how the economy works. They “get” how all American people want two things: 1) a little excitement in their lives, like breaking the law, and 2) a good deal.  These are the two driving forces that will save the American economy.  So the national economic turn-around will begin right here in Kirkwood.  Soon --once the masses read this well-researched article-- all St. Louisans will be flocking to Kirkwood for the thrill of breaking the law and getting a good deal.   Money will flow and the economy will grow.  Mayor McDonnell and Kirkwood councilpersons, I applaud you.


Flashlight purchased illegally in Kirkwood

Flashlight purchased illegally in Kirkwood